Friday, August 04, 2006

I'm stuck

It's nothing new. To be stuck in between that is.

We argued. The boyfriend lamented that his job sucks, and the thought of calling it quits has been lingering in his head for a while now. The thought of joining his father in the plantation business has become more appealing of late. But that would require him to leave the city we both love, to live and work in an oil palm estate about 3 hours drive from here.

How is the relationship going to work I don't bleeding know.

I'm not one for long-distance-relationships. I need a strong shoulder to cry on in times of sadness. I need his fingers to run through my hair and tell me it's OK when I'm down. I need us to be able to laugh together and see each other's happiness face-to-face. I need physical intimacy. I want to feel his lips when we kiss, not the text on my phone or monitor which reads *muaks*. I need him to be around. Period.

I can't do communication via internet and telephone only to keep the relationship going. I can't afford to spend the weekend shuttling down the North-South Expressway just to spend time with him. I can't guarantee I'll stick around. Period.

Mom asked me, "Are you guys serious?"

"Yes.. well...," I trailed off.

"Maybe it's not a bad idea. If he wants to go back and be involved in the family business," she said.

"But what about meeeeeeee?" I wailed.

"Yes, it might be tough on you for now, but maybe it's for the better?"

"Better? Better how? If we end up together for good, what can I do in an oil palm estate?"

"You're a smart and capable girl. Choose wisely," said Mom before hanging up.

Then I thought. And thought. And thought. But it's fucking ridiculous. Why do I have to choose between keeping my man here with me and letting him go off to pursue what's best for him?

What do you think? *big sigh*

Posted by Doreen at 2:40 pm