Monday, November 01, 2004
I sit and stare at the blank page, not knowing how to start writing. I then unwrap a piece of chocolate and begin to nibble. Yum. I don't always have chocolate cravings... thank God! But when it does strike, phwoar... Help me stop!
Today is the beginning of November. In another 60 days, we will be ushering in yet another brand new year. And we'll all be another year older. It's OK if you're waiting to turn 16, or 18, or even 21. But once the novelty of all those ages wear off, you begin to dread the years that follow.
As you grow older, people expect you to be able to commit to certain responsibility. And if you're like me, carefree and think the world a beautiful and wondrous place, then damn, you've got a big problem... like me.
I've been told that I'm mature for my age... But of late, I've begun reassessing things again. I found out that everyone's been wrong about me. I'm really not as matured as you think I am. I may be 20 something, I may look old for my age too, but sigh, I don't think my emotional and mental age is quite there yet. Maybe mental yes - cos I know that I need to do certain things. But emotionally, I'm not ready to commit, not yet ready to accept these things.
I made a promise to Dad I'll try resolve some of my financial issues by January or February next year. It's tough, but I've got to at least try to work towards it. Maybe a slight change in lifestyle.. maybe need to get used to not going out every goddamned weekend...
On Saturday, I cried when I spoke to Dad over the phone. My Dad's the coolest! I mean, how many dads do you know of who would give you a loan and say, "But don't tell your mom about it... you pay me back when you can.."
He was my childhood hero, and he will forever be my hero!
Daddy really tries so hard to help us - emotionally, mentally, academically, spiritually and even after I've started working - financially too. At 55, he isn't afraid to admit that he can't do certain things and will seek our help. He has learnt how to open a Hotmail account, how to chat on Yahoo and MSN, how to do a powerpoint presentation, all that and more! He appreciates our Eminem, TLC, Britney, Jennifer Lopez and more!
And with us 4 growing girls in the house, one can only think about the sort of pressure he's under. With no sons to talk of guns, war, cars, soccer and all that, he listens to us talk about make-up, fashion, bra sizes, boys, menstruation, etc.
When he smacks us, he smacks us really hard. I used to remember how painful his leather belt felt on our buttocks and thighs. I also remember how he then came and sayang
us after the beatings and will apply medication for us to ease the bruise. When we failed an examination, and if he knows mom will be upset, he'll help us hide it from mom and then advice us on his own. He'll give us extra pocket money if we don't get enough from mom or if we need to buy a really expensive stuff, and tells us that he will keep it from mom.
When we all grow up and get married, he'll be there giving us away at the aisle. The Father of the Bride. He'll then come home with mom to an empty house.
For the past few days, his words kept ringing in my head, "I trust you - you're a big girl now, I know you won't disappoint me. Must plan well my dear..."
After hearing all these, and of course, the coupla hundred bucks he gave me on loan, how can you not try harder right? So there, I'm looking forward to 2005, by then, financially, I would have been on the right track : )
Thanks, Dad! Love you so much!
Posted by Doreen at 4:27 pm