Wednesday, August 03, 2005

It only dawned upon me in the last few days, that we are fast approaching the last quarter of 2005. Year after year, we moan about how fast time flies, and how we're getting older by the day... while there's absolutely nothing we can do about that ticking clock. While there's nothing we can do about that, we can however make the most of our days, and thus our lives right?

Of late, I hear of friends getting married, or with marriage plans in the near future. I hear of friends putting aside money for investments be it in unit trusts, property, and whatnot. I hear of friends who've dropped their party days to lead a quieter and mellowed life. Out of the mentioned three, I'm probably doing 1. Not the marriage bit, and definitely not the investment bit. So I guess I'm on my way to getting old too. I DO feel myself getting older, and I hope the "wise" element is guaranteed along with that whole "getting old" package. What? I'm not asking for much! It's a fair exchange no?

Speaking to a Stefi over cyber space this morning (yes, during the idle hours), I confessed to her my fears of changing, of losing my identity while in a relationship Al. I then pondered over it again during lunch, and after a hearty Vietnamese lunch, I found myself asking "Are you having cold feet?"

Am I? Could I?

Only recently have we "moved" on another phase in the relationship. Now it comes with added responsibilities and commitment. Don't get me wrong, I am crazy about this guy and would do anything for him! OK, I suppose I just have to deal with the added responsibilities and commitment part, but what I'm really afraid is of losing me.

Women change because of men. Or maybe I should say "Women change because of love". A classic example would be reference to this friend of mine, let's call her Jane. When I got to know Jane a few years ago, she was a career-oriented woman who put herself before anything or anyone else, and definitely a man! She is strong, independent, cultured, educated and capable. I remember all the male-bashing sessions we had over cigarettes, coffee or beer. I remember how strongly she stood up firmly for women's rights, for things like "Pursue your own dreams, and don't let a man hold you down!". She was also frustrated with the men around us who dictated what women should and should not be like. She never talks about marriage nor children because these were not in her "future plans".

A few years down the road, Jane met Joe, and she fell madly in love. She is now a changed person. Don't get me wrong again - I'm not saying that the change is a bad thing. Jane speaks of Joe adoringly, Jane would do anything for him, and even marriage and children if he asks! She has also put her dreams and plans on hold because of Joe. From speaking to her, I notice her change too. But she is happy doing it, yes she's doing it willingly. But is it subconsciouly? Does she know she's now a changed person?

See? That's what I mean. So will I be losing my identity? The essence of what makes Doreen, Doreen?

Some might say, "But darling, it's all part and parcel of loving and thus compromising!" So does this make my friend Jane a hypocrite because she said she'll never get married, and then now wants to?

Posted by Doreen at 5:40 pm