Sunday, December 26, 2004

When I don't blog for many days on end, it's usually me being caught up in the hullabaloo of life - the bitter, the sweet, me trying to keep up with the frantic pace of the time of the year. People are rushing to get over with December. People cannot wait to usher in the New Year. Despite the apprehension that comes along with ushering in another New Year, what with aging another year and all that garbage, people are nevertheless, excited about the New Year. Each New Year brings with it new hope, new meanings, new start... Its a time when people try to relieve themselves of past guilt and "burdens", and secretly hope that things will take a better turn come the New Year. It's a time when people have an excuse to forgive and forget and forge a brand new beginning.

It's exactly 5 days before 2004's curtains are let down and the lights dimmed, albeit momentarily, before those very curtains are once again raised along with the lights and sounds, and once again, the actors take their place on the stage, as though on cue - hug and kiss and wish each other a Happy New Year. And from there on, ah...

The last 10 days have been rather eventful. MK and I spent many a good hours over alcohol of all sorts, and catching up on all the happenings since we last met up about a year ago. He has come far, we both have. Indeed, if you look at the way we were 7 or 8 years ago; a wild 16 year old girl with a long-haired punk dude who shared a room in a crummy apartment with 6 other dudes - ranging from hardcore IT geeks to serenading romeos on the balcony, from mellow drunks to weird ass druggies.

I spent a few days with R too while in Singapore. I expected a nice little pre-Christmas get-together where we'd be able to spend some quiet times with one another, away from our hectic lives in KL. I expect us to laugh and be merry like we know how to before we go back to KL and be caught up in work and many other obligations. I expect to discover more about one another and thus opening up more avenues of possibilities. I placed so many expectations, expecting this and that... But little did I expect him to say – "In the last few days before you got here, I went back to KL to pack up. I've resigned. I've brought back all my belongings to Singapore". He went on to further say, "Enough is enough. I can no longer bear working and living there."

I swallowed back tears. I expected this day to come, but not so abruptly, and especially not when he promised to give me "a month's notice". I want so much to fight, but what's there to fight for? Decisions have been acted upon. I didn't quite know whether to be all upset and harp about it further, or to forget the whole thing... But what I do know is that we have 4 days to enjoy each other's company.

I had two alternatives, two Christmas presents to choose from actually - A big ugly piece of news that's utterly depressing, OR the fact that I get to spend 4 days with him alone. I chose the latter. Or rather, I forced myself to.

Despite the fact that...

DVD renting included Fahrenheit 9/11, and definitely not the best DVD to watch mainly because we've all had enough of George's stupidity. His shower supplies did not include a single bottle of hair conditioner which resulted in me having coarser hair for that few days. I think sleeping with the air-conditioner on and windows wide open was rather stupid and a waste of energy resource. I also feel that drinking bottled mineral water at home is snobbish and is an insult to us who fill our glasses and kettles with tap water. Canned food and greasy take-aways is not exactly healthy and it makes me very lethargic when we dine on roast chicken and bratwurst in the afternoon.

Nevertheless...

It was warm having someone to cuddle up to on the couch. It was inanely fun having KFC home-delivery and to pig out so sinfully over deep fried crispy chicken. It was innocently sweet having fingers intertwined as good conversation flowed. It was mind-blowing having a strong, protective arm over me in bed at night, and when I wake up in the mornings. It was sexy being able to address our hunger over a think creamy bowl of clam chowder at 5am in the morning. It was peaceful falling asleep on the couch while waiting for him to come back one night. It was comforting seeing his clothes (both dirty and fresh out of the dryer) strewn over the house. It was comforting standing there on the balcony on the eighth floor in our ugly sleepwear, messed up hair, and sleep in our eyes as we enjoyed the view while having our cigarette in the mornings.

In the end, instead of coming home fulfilled and contented, I came home 2 days before Christmas, feeling all drained and exhausted. I feel cheated. I feel short-changed. Just when I thought there was something, and before I had the chance to prove it right or wrong, or to act upon it, *baaaammm* it's over!

Having family down south means that I've received constant reminders that I ought to be working in Singapore... therefore, does R moving back to Singapore signal a sign of some sort? If he is right for me, should I fight for it? But what about my life in KL? I've spent the last 7 years building and building my life here in this crazy city. So here I am thinking - how far should I go if I have an inkling of a feeling that he is just so right for me? Should I, in simple words, move between states so that I can fight for what I think (at this point in my life) is the perfect man? What if he's not? Should I put 7 years of my life in KL to a halt, while I perhaps detour for a little bit and see what's in store for me in another place? Is it going to be worth it?

I'm lost. Terribly upset and for the 2 days, went to sleep after a huge session of bawling my eyes out and wetting my pillows. However, no time for that because it's Christmas! I could not afford to be cooped up in my room while mom was busy cooking up a storm. I could not possibly ignore the fact that we are having some 20 odd people at our house on Christmas eve.

So I'll mull about R when I go back to KL tomorrow. In the mean time.. Here are some pictures taken at the party...

Christmas is about being silly and posing by the Christmas tree with a beer in hand.