“Do you think we would have gone out if I stayed back?”
I was dumbfounded.
I stared into my cup of iced caramel macchiato, in hopes of finding the answer floating therein. “I don’t know…” and my voice trailed off because my throat was rather dry by now. I shifted my focus to the slice of strawberry cheesecake and noticed the layer of gelatine which made the slice of cake look so much more appetizing.
In the months after our episode years ago, I asked myself that question countless of times, fervently wishing that I had the answer. Instead, down the road, he turns around and asked me that very question.
In the moments that followed, a million thoughts ran through my head.
We met years ago. But you decided to leave. You – packed your bags and left. And there I was, left on my own, to accept reality and the fact that.. that you’ve gone. It was harsh and brutal actually. It took me a while to recover, and when I did, I guess I recovered pretty well and was soon back up on my own two feet.
What gives you the right to just stroll in and out of my life the way you do, and the nerve of you asking a question like that! I thought we had something happening, but heck I could be wrong right? Based on my presumption that we had something going for us, I wanted to desperately make it work, but before anything could happen, you left.
Once in a while, I’d get a random call from you asking me about life, and how I was doing. We started seeing other people, and we played our parts well don’t you think?
Then I get an email saying that you’d be in town for a few days. In the days leading up to our meeting, I wondered if you were still the same. Is your smile still as bright? Are you still able to make me laugh? Will I still get goosebumps if our hands touched? Do you still talk in such a way that makes me stare at your face and wish time will stop? Will I still have the urge to tear your clothes apart?
Less than 30 minutes into our first meeting after these years, I concluded my answer with a resounding yes to all of the above questions. Do you know how scared I was that I still found you so attractive? I thought it had been a long time. Don’t you change? Why didn’t you become uglier? Or fatter? Or not so funny? Or lost your mental and intellectual sanity that I just find you a plain bore?
“Is there a point to it now? It’s years ago, the moment has passed, so I don’t think there is a need for these kinda what-ifs questions,” I said as a matter of factly.
“You’re right. Though I think maybe we would have,” he said, and shot me a smile that made my heart skipped a beat.
I smiled too, just because.