Monday, January 29, 2007

First there is sex

First there is sex.

And there there is stupidity.

No, I'm not gonna be preaching about the act of engaging in premarital sex. It doesn't take an Einstein to know that Tom, Jane and Mary are shagging, all 3 together if that satisfies your carnal desires.

But what is it with girls who don't take precautions? And then lament about being late and have sleepless nights fearing a pregnancy.

Ladies, forget the men will you? It's your body. And just the same way you keep your money in your own bank account and not someone else's, why don't you take responsibility of your own body and not leave it to the men?

"He doesn't have condoms..."

A lot of girlfriends give me this excuse, a lame one I might add. For heaven's sake! What era are you living in woman? If you want to shag as much as he does, you too can be the one supplying the rubbers. Heck, for all he cares, he just wants to shag. He ain't the one getting pregnant and having to lug something around for 9 months!

"You mean, I buy condoms from the shop?"

No, why don't you order it via e-bay and have it delivered to your house. I cannot, repeat - CANNOT stand girls who want to shag but cannot walk into a pharmacy or a 7-11 to buy a pack of condoms. Oh, you think buying condoms is shameful is it? Wait till your grandmother hears about you getting jiggy under the covers while she was knitting in the room next door. Come on, what's so embarassing about walking into 7-11 and getting a pack of 3s? OK fine, grab a can of drink or a box of Clorets and pay for it together with your pack of Playsafe. Then maybe you won't look like you're just out to get condoms to rush home to shag like rabbits.

"He says he can pull it out in time!"

You are obviously one clueless chick. Did you know that pre-cum can impregnate you too? That liquid that oozes out from his penis prior to actual ejaculation? Yes, that has sperm too. And they'll be having a party swimming up your uterus looking for your egg. Even a penis ring shouldn't fool you!

"I have morning after pills..."

So you only shag 4 times a month is it? Because that's the limit for one consuming these pills? Morning after pills messes with your system BIG time sister! And they should only be used during emergency cases, and "Aiya, no condoms!" is not an emergency. I'm too lazy google and give you scientific and factual accounts of how it messes with your body, but all I know is that excessive use of morning after pills screws with your fertility. You may not be able to conceive when you eventually want to.

"I dunno..."

Whaddya mean you don't know? Don't know still want to shag? I've had girlfriends say this to me when I asked them why didn't they use protection. What the fuck you don't know? This is truly stupidity at its peak!

"He doesn't want to use it..."

Get him to wank, you roll over and sleep. End of story.

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Girlfriends, sisters - if it's not ON, the answer is NO.

Posted by Doreen at 4:38 pm


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Jim on Patong

Sawadee ka!

This is Jim.

Jim was spotted with a Singha beer in hand while he sits on Patong beach and watch the world go by.

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Jim is from the UK. He retired at the age of 40 and has been travelling quite a fair bit since going into retirement. He spent the last 2 months in Penang, and now he's in Phuket where he will be hanging out for the next 6 months.

Some people just have it all.

Updates on Phuket - coming to a blog near you!

Kop khun ka.

ADDENDUM: I've decided against blogging about the trip. It's too taxing on me. How about a photo narration instead? Go HERE.

Posted by Doreen at 8:48 am


Thursday, January 18, 2007

Phuket Beckons

I'm going to Phuket.

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Idyllic beach. Shopping haven. Cheap Thai baht. Surfer boys with hot bods. Tell me you're envious.

I'll see you when I get back on Monday.

Posted by Doreen at 3:34 pm


Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Anal Pleasures

Everyone I know empty their bowels in the morning. I do mine in the evening or night, after work. My mornings are too precious to be spending atop a toilet bowl.

So I removed a ciggie from the pack and headed to the toilet. The ashtray, lighter and magazine are already in the toilet for good. Smoking while taking a dump is ultra relaxing. It's one of those little joys in my life. I know, quite sad aren't I?

While smoking on the toilet bowl I love blowing out circles of smoke by mouthing an 'O' with my lips, and then watch the smoke slowly dissolve into nothingness. Reading gives me something to do when I'm not blowing out O-shaped smoke, instead of... uh.. picking my nose or something.

Too bad consuming food and/or beverage in the toilet is deemed unhygienic, else I'd love to carry my Starbucks papercup into the toilet, with a smoke and magazine in hand, while taking my dump.

I thought about the bathroom which I will have in my future home. It must spacious that's for sure because I'd like to have a bathtub in there.

No, you don't get me do you?

I MUST have a bathtub.

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I love water. And I love bubbles! A tub in my own bathroom will give me the luxury of a hot bubbly bath any time I want. I'll then stock up on all kinds of bath foam known to mankind, with all sorts of flavours and scents. Relaxing in a bubbly bath with a glass of wine after a long day - another little joy in life.

A rain shower is another luxury I hope to have. Of course the tub is my first priority. But rain showers are awesome. I love the huge surface of the shower head which releases stronger and more jets of water.

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Something like this would be perfect.

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But I'd settle for this too if budget doesn't permit.

"Babe, next time we will have a place where we can use the bathroom together. I can be in the tub and you can shit on the toilet, we can have coffee and smoke in there too, so it's gotta be comfortable and clean," I said to him.

"Nice. Must get a coffee machine! A canggih-fied one that makes our latte the way Starbucks does it! And I want to use the tub too! Make sure it's big enough for 2. So after I shit, I can jump in!" he said.

My eyes widened.

"Just make sure you rinse your backside first!"

Posted by Doreen at 11:20 am


Thursday, January 04, 2007

Toilet Training Great Men

When girls get together to, you know, talk… one of our favourite topics would be on the issue of “training men”. Or how some of us like to call it “toilet training”, i.e. guiding them on the basic dos and don’ts in a relationship.

“We both come home from work exhausted and I’m expected to cook, do his dishes and take the garbage out while he can sit in front of the tele moaning about the shitty day he had!”

“Oh mine’s been trained in that department already – he now takes the trash out every night after dinner!”

“Mine still leaves the kitchen chores to me, but he’s well trained in the bathroom department already, you know – cleaning the hair in the sink after shaving, the toilet seat having to be left down and the toothpaste being squeezed from the bottom of the tube instead of right at the top”.

“At least you still have him sticking around after all that! Mine walked out on the relationship after me spending a good 3 years toilet training him!”

“If he left you to be single, I can take it. But imagine if he left you for another woman, god I’d go ballistic. After all the training I’ve given, now another woman gets to enjoy it?”

Men, like all other species on earth, are also different in their own ways. The learning curve varies from one man to the next, and so are the things which you need to train him on. Some only require training on basic household rules, but some require training even in matters such as not forgetting important dates or gatherings which you have planned together, and how to shower your lady with some affection even on a normal day.

Mine required training in the department of affection-giving.

No, don’t get me wrong, he does show affection, but only on a larger scale. What I meant was simple things like giving me a back-rub after a hard day at work, or a quick kiss before we leave for work in the morning.

I’ve always enjoyed watching “picture perfect families” on the tele, and how the man will kiss the woman before he leaves for work while standing out on their patio of their white-picket fenced house, and as the children bundle into the family MPV, ready to be ferried to school. I know, that’s a typical portrayal of a Western “picture perfect family”. My parents don’t kiss every morning before dad leaves for work. But I used to remember how mom would see dad off at the door, help load his bag into the car, and wave him off as he drove away. That’s their own little affection-giving gesture.

So I started off with pushing my face to the man’s lips every morning before we left for work. I did that for a while. Well, it must have been a rather long while cos I don’t even remember when I started doing it. He would of course respond with a quick peck on my cheek. I mean, what else right since I already offered to be kissed? And seeing how mom used to do it, I would also help him put his water bottle and the occassional packed sandwich box into the car for him.

Well anyways, the good news is, I now no longer have to shove my face to his lips for the kiss. The dear man would be standing there ready with pouted lips to give me my peck on the cheek as we are about to get into our respective cars.

So like I said, men still vary from one another. Some may take longer than the others to be trained, but they are all train-able that’s for sure. We can’t live without them, so might as well give them the chance they deserve and the world would be a better, happier place.

Now that he's just got the hang of that chapter, I'll give him a break before I start on training him to give me back-rubs.

This is exciting innit? Heh.

Posted by Doreen at 12:23 pm