Friday, March 28, 2008

psychic lunch

I had lunch with a client yesterday.

He works in a giant aquarium.

He looks like that Chinese actor in old Hong Kong vampire comedies, you know, the ones that go jumping around with their arms extended? He wears round spectacles.

Client told me he was psychic.

I didn't know whether to believe or not.

He cited a few examples - him being able to know what the people in the boardroom think, him being able to know that his friends are thinking about calling him, and he thus calls them first (even as far as Japan!), him being able to guess your birthday right, and many more.

He was on a roll telling me these stories!

Then he said he wanted to try moving things using his 'mental power'. Like a cup and a saucer. But he was afraid it'd bounce off the walls in his first few attempts. So he reckons trying with a ping pong ball would be the way to go, for now.

I was freaked out! And afraid he could read my mind because the only reason I bought him lunch was cos I wanted to sell him another ad space!

He said he cannot 'pick up' signals in languages he cannot understand, like Tamil or Mandarin.

I started thinking in Mandarin.

Posted by Doreen at 8:29 am


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

dog trauma

It must have been about 3:00am when the cab pulled up at No. 103 and I staggered out sleepily. I don't really remember where I went, but if memory serves me right, I was hanging out with Ken.

I rented a room at No. 103 where a young Chinese family lived. Husband and wife, along with 3 small kids. Oh, they also had 2 dogs.

Bulldogs actually.

Chorus: Awwww. Sooooo cuteeeeeee!

Yes, that crumpled pile of skin looks damn cute. But the dogs at 103 looked nothing like that. They looked like this...


I remembered enquiring and found out that the dogs were a male-female pair. Mother and son in fact. They didn't look very friendly. When they are not growling at god knows what, they laze in that filthy corner, accompanied by some buzzing flies. Damn, did I mention that godawful pong?

So back to my story.

I got out of the cab and fumbled for my keys. In the dark of the night, I noticed the dogs were not asleep, and holy cow! When did the third dog arrive? Is it even legal to have THREE dogs, THIS size, THIS smelly, all in ONE single residential house?

I inserted the key into the padlock which secured the gate, and with this, Mama BullDog rushed to the front of the gate and started growling at me. Disgusted as I was, I tried pacifying her with some "Hush-hush-koochi-koochi".

Nuh-uh. She continued growling and staring at me.

Padlock off, and I started unlatching the gate. I was scared now! I remembered that animals can sense your fear, and they get scared and defensive too! Calming myself down, I opened the gate ever so slowly.... Mama BullDog took a step forward and growled, louder and fiercer this time.

Oi, bitch! I live here, remember?

She continued her guard at the gate, eyeing me in that come-another-step-imma-pounce-on-you-stare.

Then I saw them going at it, doggy-style obviously. A-ha! Turns out Mama BullDog was keeping watch while her son was shagging the new bitch! Geez, I didn't know bulldogs were so protective of their offspring when they are copulating!

I stood by the gate, not knowing what to do. Wondered if I should call my landlord, but decided against it, seeing how it was afterall, 3am in the morning. I must have attempted entering the house another once or twice, but the shagging continued, and so did the growling.

Not wanting to be supper for 1 angry bulldog and 2 post-orgasmic (and presumably hungry) bulldogs, I locked the gates and called for a cab. I ended up spending a few more hours at Ken's and going to College the next morning.

I have never been so traumatised by dogs like I did that night.

A couple of nights ago, it happened again. Which part you ask?

Dogs, growling, shagging, extreme fear - in that order!

I went to the boyfriend's place, and parked my car where I usually do, in the alley at the side of the house. Just as I was about to step out of the car, there were about 3 or 4 dogs (I can't be sure - the alley was dark) circling the area, and the growling sounded REAL close by.

OK, these were stray dogs mind you. I mean, they could have rabbies or something!

I closed the door and put my head out of the window, straining to see if the coast is clear. Further into the alley, I spotted some doggy-style action happening, and yes, there were "guards" around, protecting the scared act of procreation, which their friends were indulging in.

Dammit. The bulldog-trauma came flooding back and I cringed in my seat.

Suffice to say, I had the boyfriend come rescue me from my car parked in the alley.

Posted by Doreen at 9:01 am


Saturday, March 22, 2008


Big fat raindrops started lashing down, and as stuffed as we were, we ran towards the car carrying our stomachs.

Lunch was truly magnificient. Steamed fish at the tin-roof shack under the big shady tree, just off Jalan Sungai Besi.

On the way home, we were treated to a few light shows along the Kesas. Razors of white light zig-zagged against the thick, dark clouds.

I showered and changed into an oversized T, turned on the aircon and climbed under the covers.

Full stomach.

Perfect weather.

Time to sleep.

Weekends rock.

Posted by Doreen at 11:59 pm


Friday, March 21, 2008


  1. Superhero power I want : To be invisible... ngek, ngek, ngek.
  2. Why? : It's fun! Imagine the money I'd make spying on people, and then selling exclusives to trashy tabloids. The likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Edison Chen, Chua Soi Lek...
  3. Downside of this power : I'd have to look for a friend who has the teleporting power to take me all over the world. Beverly Hills to Batu Pahat IS damn far OK?
  4. My superhero nickname : D Invisible
  5. My motto : Discretion is Nothing
  6. Sworn Enemy : Companies selling canggih spy gadgets.
  7. Official vehicle : Hayden Christensen is my chosen partner in crime.
  8. Day job : Barrista, at Starbucks naturally.


  1. I have been known to run along Jalan Sultan Ismail, at night, in drunken stupor, screaming out loud - "I wanna eat fishballs!"
  2. I love eating pig's ears. They're really crunchy.
  3. I have a tendency to hit my head against something when I'm angry / upset / in a fight, purposely. I know, I'm screwed up like that.
  4. I'm a silent, but ethical, farter *blush*
  5. I'm not on Facebook.
  6. At the karaoke, I *heart* Britney Spear's 'Sometimes'.
  7. I absolutely adore the trashiness of the Jerry Springer show. Back in Uni, I'd miss mid-morning/noon classes because we'd get so caught up watching people hang their dirty laundry out.
  8. I used to hate kids. Sticky, bawling creatures. But of late, I'm beginning to ooh-and-aah at cute little tots.
  9. I was a rather snooty Penolong Ketua Darjah in my early primary school days.
  10. I have held my full bladder for the last 15 minutes, indulging myself as I write this crap.

Now, let's see YOU do this -- Hello Kitty, Hensem 9, Kanasai Jason.

Posted by Doreen at 9:14 pm


Wednesday, March 19, 2008


"Body odour (known also as scent of the immortals) is a disgusting condition with an awful, nauseating smell. It often affects social relationships, and can delay life's major event: marriage. It diadvantages young men and women at job interviews or when they try to enlist, therefore inflicting much suffering and anguish. By using a new total treatment, we can instantly eradicate the odour with a rate of 97.53% success. For joy in life and future happiness, we welcome you to come and rid yourself of it..."

Excerpt from Soul Mountain by Gao Xingjian.

Posted by Doreen at 11:26 am


Friday, March 14, 2008


I wonder if anyone else feels like this.

I brush my teeth in the bathroom. And as much as I hate wet bathrooms, I can't help it sometimes. I don't have the luxury of living in a residence where the bathroom is the size of Singapore, and you can have the wet area and dry area far apart, and therefore not jeopardising each other's wetness or dryness.

So I stood by the sink brushing my teeth, while standing on the wet bathroom floor.

Then I felt it. A tingly feeling as though as slimy piece of creepy crawlie had just made its way up past my ankle. I stopped brushing, peered at my feet, but nope, nothing there.

I resumed brushing my teeth, much furiously this time, hoping to finish it quickly and get the hell out of the bathroom.

A few seconds later, I felt it again. This time it felt like a long wet strand of an earthworm wiggling in between my toes. In shock, I almost swallowed the toothpaste in my mouth. But upon looking at my toes - you guessed it - there was nothing there.

Over the weekend, I decided to wash the bathroom. Finally decided it about time as the walls and floor of the shower had about 2 weeks worth of dirt and grime on it. Armed with rubber gloves and a brush, I got down on all fours and scrubbed.

Yes, I paint quite a perfect auntie picture don't I?

Go ahead, laugh.





Don't rub it in.

So while scrubbing the floor, I felt it again.

A slimy sliver inching its way upwards to my knees and I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise.

I was ready to flick that damn thing off, but... there was nothing there. Just some soapy bubbles.

So I spent a good 20 minutes in the bathroom, and in that span of time, had a total of 5 "creepy crawlie" sensation.

I have come to a conclusion that I suffer from a weird phobia. And I cannot even find a name for my predicament from the Phobia List.

It's the fear of creepy crawlies climbing up my legs when standing on wet floors.

How does slimophobia sound?

Posted by Doreen at 5:05 pm


Wednesday, March 12, 2008


An old friend from Hong Kong left for home yesterday, after spending a week in KL.

I was telling her how she can make more trips to KL in future because Tony Fernandez will be opening up the Hong Kong route within this year itself.

Today I got received AirAsia's promo email blast.

I forwarded it to her and said - "Hah! The Hong Kong route is open!"

Her reply came in 2 lines.

Welcome to Hong Kong! hahahahah!

Why do the flight attendants in the advert look like hookers? hahahaha!
Must reply and let her know that this is not MAS, but un-M.H.

Posted by Doreen at 3:27 pm


Monday, March 10, 2008

missing nose

Divers use a mask instead of goggles because the latter does not cover the nose. We need our nose to be enclosed within the mask because it will allow us to equalize the air space inside the mask, and also for the purpose of clearing water from it.

See that pointed triangle part that is supposed to house your nose?

Well, I have a problem with that.

The first diver was probably a Mat Salleh, and they are notoriously known for their big noses with a high and defined bridge. In other words, a sharp nose. So that dude probably made a mask and that triangle part was made sharp and high - well, cos his nose is like that!

When he dons the mask on, that triangle part envelopes the nose nicely. It is shaped that way because it will then be easier for divers to pinch their nose and blowing into it to equalize the air space in our ears. I actually love equalizing my ears and hearing it go pop.

Thing is this - I am Chinese. And we aren't blessed with nose that stick up high in the air. Mine is as flat as a piece of squashed dumpling.

That is not to say that I've got a small nose. In my family, the big nose gene runs deep. But when I mean big, it's more wide than anything. And the bridge? Non-existent. Which explains why I have problems with specs and sunnies as they tend to slide off my nose.

So when you have a flat nose like mine, and a big piece of protruding triangular nose-area on the mask, your nose somehow gets lost in it.

I kid you not.

I had problems 'locating' my nose to give it a proper grip so that I can pinch and equalize my ears!

Posted by Doreen at 3:50 pm


Monday, March 03, 2008

love juice

We were lunching with both of them from the dive centre (one of them being our instructor) and her 12 year-old daughter at a nearby cafe on a cloudy Sunday afternoon.

"Mama, what's Jus Cinta?"

That question went answered as her mother was animatedly telling us about their recent trip to Tioman.

Trust me when I say that this mother usually does not ignore her daughter, but when you have a kid who can talk non-stop without breathing, it can get a wee bit tiring. Heh, but I find her adorable lah. The man says it's probably because she doesn't live with me.

No doubt, some truth there.

"Mama, is Jus Cinta lovejuice?"

Mother stopped whatever she was doing and saying and we both had "the look" in our eyes before we burst out laughing.

"No honey, it's probably a signature drink at this cafe," the mother tried explaining with a straight face. (The cafe had the word 'cinta' in its name).

On our short stroll back to the dive centre, little 12 y.o. kept bringing up 'lovejuice'.

"Mama can we try the lovejuice next time?"

"Mama do you think lovejuice is yummy?"

Do you think this is a case of her naivety or our twisted-ness?

Posted by Doreen at 11:00 am


Saturday, March 01, 2008


Wedding dinner.

Lotsa alcohol.

Happy happy.

Plenty of drinking.


I should get going.

Posted by Doreen at 11:50 pm